If you are the capable one in the room.... this might sting a little
You’re not enough.
Or at least… that’s the story that gets activated every time you take on something extra.
Every time you prove your value.
Every time you step up.
Every time you make yourself useful before anyone has even asked.
Let me tell you where I first saw it clearly in myself
When my daughter started kindy, I didn’t know how to fit in.
The other mums seemed to move easily in that world.
They knew the rhythms.
The unspoken rules.
The soft social cues.
I felt slightly off-beat.
Slightly outside.
I was working 50-hour weeks in corporate at the time. I did not need another responsibility.
So naturally, I joined the school committee.
And because I don’t do anything in halves,
I volunteered as treasurer.
Did it get me invited to more coffees?
No.
It got me spreadsheets.
Late nights.
Unpaid work no one saw.
I stayed for four years.
At the time I told myself I was being helpful.
Looking back?
I was trying to secure belonging the only way I knew how.
If I’m useful, I’m safe.
If I’m needed, I won’t be excluded.
If I’m valuable, maybe I’ll finally feel like enough.
That pattern didn’t start at kindy.
And it didn’t end there either.
You’re probably not joining committees.
You’re taking on clients you don’t want.
You’re saying yes before checking your capacity.
You’re over-delivering so no one can question your worth.
You’re volunteering for panels, collaborations, the “quick favour.”
On the outside, it looks like capability.
On the inside, it feels like constant proving.
Proving you’re competent.
Proving you deserve to be there.
If you stop performing… who are you?
You are not your usefulness.
You are not your output.
And you don’t have to earn your right to exist in the room.
But look at how often you try.
In your business, you carry more than your role.
You hold the strategy,
the client emotions,
the cash flow,
the contingency plans.
You think three moves ahead so nothing falls apart.
At home, you carry the invisible spreadsheet.
Birthdays.
Appointments.
Food.
Emotional weather.
Internally, you carry the harsh voice.
The one that says you should be coping better.
You should be more organised.
You should have figured this out by now.
So you make yourself useful.
Because useful feels safer than uncertain.
But here’s the quiet truth.
When usefulness is tied to safety,
success never actually feels secure.
So here’s your pirate test.
You know… ARRR?
The three R’s.
Revenue.
Recognition.
Rejection.
Before you say yes to something extra, run it through them.
Revenue is clean.
Recognition can build visibility and meet a real need to be seen.
Rejection is the sneaky one.
That’s the one that sounds like:
“It’s only an hour.”
“I should help.”
“I don’t want to seem difficult.”
“They might not ask me again.”
Revenue grows the business.
Recognition grows your voice.
Rejection grows resentment.
So pause and ask yourself:
Which R is actually driving this yes?
And then this:
If no one could judge you for declining…
would you still want to do it?
The things that genuinely light you up don’t require self-justification.
They create energy.
They don’t quietly drain it.
You don’t need to stop being capable.
You just need to stop confusing usefulness with worth.
You are allowed to choose work that excites you.
You are allowed to decline work that only keeps you safe.
You are allowed to build a business that feels like you — not one that keeps proving you belong.
That’s enough for this week.
If you would like to chat, here’s my link and I would love to hear how your sparkly brain is treating you
I’m off to junk journal in front of Criminal Minds.
Mel x
And as always, I’m about lived experience and research backed practice (lucky I like reading!)
This weeks research threads are:
Contingent self-worth / performance-based self-esteem
Psychological safety
Self-esteem / self-compassion and wellbeing
1. Self-worth tied to performance:
Research shows that when self-esteem is contingent on external validation or achievement, it becomes more fragile and linked to distress over time.
Muris, P., et al. (2023).Self-esteem and self-compassion: A narrative review of their associations with wellbeing and psychological problems.Current Psychology.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10406111/
2. •Psychological safety matters:
Feeling safe to be yourself — not just competent — is linked to better wellbeing and stronger workplace outcomes.
Peddie, N., et al. (2024).Psychological safety in health and social care workplaces: A systematic review.
https://www.mdpi.com/2039-4403/15/4/131
3. •Proving yourself has a cost:
Longitudinal research on self-image goals and perfectionism shows that striving to defend or prove your value predicts poorer mental health outcomes over time.
Nepon, T., et al. (2024).Perfectionism and self-image goals as predictors of mental health outcomes.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11326979/
