why social plans wipe you out before you even arrive

Hiya,

I volunteered to choose the café. Which, if you're AuDHD, you'll know was my first mistake.

I was catching up with two fabulous women. Shaye had flown over from Adelaide, Karen from Brisbane. We'd connected through business communities over the years, but had never all been in the same city at the same time. A simple coffee catch-up. Or so it would appear.

Suddenly my brain had questions.

What if it isn't a good café? What if there are no seats? What if it's too noisy? What if the coffee is awful? (Admittedly unlikely in Melbourne.) What if they're annoyed because I sent too many messages in the WhatsApp group?

By Saturday morning, my anxiety was through the roof. Not because I didn't want to see them. I absolutely did. But because my brain had spent days rehearsing every possible way the morning could go wrong.

For many neurodivergent women, this isn't unusual. This is deciding whether to make a phone call. This is replying to an email. This is going to a networking event. This is Tuesday. What looks simple from the outside can involve an exhausting amount of mental processing on the inside.

Have you heard of Spoon Theory? The idea is that we all start the day with a limited number of units of capacity. For many neurodivergent people, several are gone before we've even arrived somewhere. Managing uncertainty, navigating somewhere unfamiliar, running through every possible scenario. We arrive already tired.

The tricky part is that most people never see this. We mask. We smile, we look organised, we appear calm. Which is one of the reasons late diagnoses can be such a surprise. "Are you sure you have ADHD? You're so organised." Meanwhile they're not seeing the colour-coded systems, the contingency plans, or the fact that your bookshelf may or may not be organised by theme, then author, then size.

Our brains are designed to keep us safe. It's one of the reasons our species survived long enough for Darwin to have something to write about. When the brain senses potential risk, even social risk or uncertainty, the nervous system responds. For ADHDers, this can amplify rejection sensitivity, making neutral situations feel loaded with possibility for criticism, embarrassment or failure. The café wasn't dangerous. But my nervous system didn't get that memo.

The interesting thing happened when I arrived. I told them everything. The overthinking, the worrying, the ridiculous amount of mental energy I'd spent choosing a café. And do you know what happened? They laughed. Not at me. With me. Everything was fine. And suddenly the thoughts lost their power. Sometimes saying a thought out loud allows the logical part of your brain to catch up. It gives reality a chance to join the conversation.

So, if this sounds familiar: unmask with safe people when you can. Write it down afterwards as evidence for future you. And remember that the feeling of danger does not automatically mean danger exists.

It was one of the best mornings I've had in ages. Three and a half hours of conversation, laughter, and connection. The very thing my brain had spent days worrying about turned out to be exactly what I needed.

If you're ever in Melbourne, I can highly recommend The Bond Store in Southbank. The coffee was excellent. As it turns out, my brain was wrong. Again.

If your brain has been doing something similar about your EOFY finances — running through every possible way it could go wrong, avoiding the pile entirely, or just freezing — that's exactly what Show Up & Slay the EOFY Pile is for.

It starts in two days. Four sessions in June, together with an ADHD finance specialist business coach. One of those sessions is with Emma Donnelly, a counsellor and hypnotherapist, covering the emotional side of financial avoidance because that part is real and it matters.

$159 AUD. No pressure to show up perfectly. Come to one or come to all four.

And if any of this is bringing something up for you, or you've been wondering whether there's support out there for a brain like yours — I'd love to hear from you. I genuinely love hearing from women founders who want to grow their businesses.

Mel x

P.S. If this topic interests you,Alex Partridge's new book Why Does Everybody Hate Me?explores rejection sensitivity and the stories our brains tell us. It's well worth adding to the reading pile. Maybe set a reminder to actually read it.

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ADHD Village- PO Box 475, Clifton Hill, 3068, Australia